Still figuring it all out

Seems like a million years ago and a whole different lifetime from there to here.  Who am I anymore?  I don't know.  So much loss and hardship and I lived thru it all.  I don't feel the same anymore.  I'm meaner, that's for sure.  Came out of the tunnel more determined and more stubborn than ever before.  I've also found a part of me I thought I lost a long time ago.  Funny how the pain of loss changes you.  Nobody ever really gets it until they have to live thru it.  Definitely not what I had in mind 25 years ago, that's for sure.  Here I am tho, I didn't drown myself in the bottle or turn inward and give up.  It would have been pretty easy to do and even sounded like a good idea but somehow I got thru it without losing my way.

Eh, either way, I'm still doing the farming thing.  The goat herd is actually doing pretty good despite the 18 months of depression.  I'll need to replace the hay cutter sometime this spring since repairing the old one isn't really feasible.  I could fix it if the parts were readily available but they aren't so on to something else.

The first round of seedlings damped off on me, restarted some and those are doing pretty good.   I'm still trying to live in the crappy, shithole house trailer.  I have been saving my pennies tho and the fund for the cabin/tiny house is slowly growing.  The east side of the old barn saved me the trouble of knocking it down, it fell 2 storms ago and as soon as it dries up just a little bit I can get that part of it cleared and the spot cleaned up.

Oh!  I have 2 grandsons now.  My sons widow had the baby end of February and all 3 live here with me now.  So, yep, I had to pour a little perfume on the pig and do some minor remodeling and painting in the crappy trailer.  Only a small modification to the original tiny house plan will make them their own space here on the farm.

Going to open a farm market here late this spring for the wares Miss J and I are making and growing.  Quilting, soap making, garden produce, brick oven baked bread, wood crafts and Miss J has started to build an apothecary.  She's really become a whiz at whipping up the tinctures and salves.  Proud of her!  The whole farm kitchen thing didn't work quite as well as I had planned on it to do.  Didn't take into account the damage done by the asshole ex friend that did his best to ruin me.  That's okay tho, I taught someone else how to do what I was doing and they're doing great with it and will be part of the up and coming farm  market.

Could turn out to be the year I actually get to go full off grid.  I've accumulated enough pieces parts to go ahead and build the system.  I think after I get the orchard replaced and the garden planted, I'll go ahead and start on it.  I wasn't going to mess with it until I had the frame work done on the tiny house but I'm thinking it will be beneficial to the build of I go ahead and have it ready to use before I pour the footers.

So now I'm climbing uphill instead of wallowing in the mud at the bottom.  I wonder how the rest of this year is going to go...……..